In relationships, certain communication patterns are so destructive that researchers can predict the chance of divorce. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher, coined these behaviours the “Four Horsemen”. Fortunately, each horseman has a corresponding antidote to foster healthier interactions with your partner.
1. Criticism → Gentle Start-Up
Criticism involves attacking your partner’s character and often sounds like “You always…” or “You never…”.
Antidote: Begin conversations with a softened start-up. Express your feelings using “I” statements and describe specific behaviours rather than attributing negative motives. For example, “I feel overwhelmed when the dishes aren’t done because I value a tidy space.”
2. Contempt → Express your Feelings and Needs + Build a Culture of Appreciation
Contempt is the most destructive of the Four Horsemen and includes behaviours like sarcasm, name-calling, or eye-rolling, all of which signal a lack of respect.
Short-term Antidote: Express your feelings and needs. Try using “I” statements, instead of “You” statements. Let your partner know what you want them to start doing, not what you want them to stop doing.
Long-term Antidote: Build a culture of fondness and appreciation by regularly acknowledging your partner’s positive qualities and expressing gratitude.
3. Defensiveness → Take Responsibility
Defensiveness is a common response to criticism and involves denying responsibility, playing the victim or counterattacking.
Antidote: Instead of deflecting blame, take responsibility for your part in the situation. This doesn’t mean accepting all fault but acknowledging your contribution to the issue, which can assist in de-escalating conflict.
4. Stonewalling → Physiological Self-Soothing
Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from the conversation, often due to feeling overwhelmed with emotions. The Gottman’s call this “emotional flooding”
Antidote: Take a break and spend time practicing self-soothing techniques, such as deep breathing, going for a walk, or engaging in a calming activity. This allows you both to regain composure and return to the discussion in a more constructive and connected way.
By recognising these destructive patterns and actively practicing their antidotes, you can work towards improving communication, strengthening your bond with your partner and navigate conflict more effectively. If you would like some more support in navigating the four horsemen in your relationship, reach out to the With Grace Therapy team for more information on couples counselling.
