As Dr Kirsten Neff, a renowned researcher and teacher, defines compassion as comprising three key elements: mindfulness, kindness, and common humanity. Compassion involves nurturing these qualities in our interactions with others, while self-compassion means applying them to ourselves. Self-compassion can be likened to having an internal coach—supportive, kind, and motivating—similar to a helpful teacher from school.
Often our default when we are faced with setbacks, challenging circumstances or failure is to be very critical and judgemental of ourselves and to generally give ourselves a really difficult time. Research has shown that in the long term this is unhelpful in motivating us to continue to try, to learn or effectively problem solve around our circumstances. In building the skills of self-compassion we can provide ourselves with similar comfort and kindness that we often provide to others that we care about in times of pain or difficulty. This can then allow us to acknowledge our internal experience from a non-judgemental place.
One common myth that often arises around self-compassion is that it is weak. As Dr Neff explains “When you go into battle, what’s going to make you stronger – being an ally who has your own back or an enemy who cuts you down?” The supportive stance of self-compassion provides strength to face the battles of life. Research shows that self-compassionate people are better able to deal with stressful situations like natural disasters, military combat, health challenges, raising special needs children, and divorce.
Building self-compassion skills is like learning any other skill. When learning to ride a bike we practice this skill over and over many times to learn how to competently ride a bike. It is no different when learning how to be self-compassionate. So how do we practice the skills of self-compassion? One place to start is with a daily practice of a self-compassion exercise.
One exercise that can be practised is “How would you treat a friend?”
This exercise asks us to reflect on how we would respond to a friend who came to us in distress or experiencing struggles. What tone of voice would we use? What words would we say and how would we deliver these words. Then consider how you might harness some of this kindness, this compassion and patience to direct towards yourself.
To find the detail of this exercise and more self-compassion exercises you can follow the link below to Dr Kristen Neff’s Website:
https://self-compassion.org/self-compassion-practices/
 | Explore the benefits of self-compassion practices. Foster self-love, resilience, and positivity with these guided exercises. self-compassion.org |
Self-compassion can give us the capacity to turn towards our pain, to face our struggles rather than minimising, avoiding or becoming stuck in our struggles. Self-compassion can allow us to foster an inner coach that we can rely on in adversity.
If you are seeking support to build self-compassion skills therapy is a non-judgmental place to start exploring and building these skills with a skilled professional at With Grace Therapy.
