Making room for disappointment in early parenthood
Before your baby arrived, you might have pictured slow mornings, walks with the pram and getting to know this little person you had been patiently (or impatiently!) waiting to meet.
You probably knew there would be difficult days and joyful days. However, you may not have expected feeding to take so much out of you, recovery to be this hard, or the promised help to disappear after the first few visits.
Perhaps you thought you would feel more confident, less sleep deprived, more connected or happier.
And now, when someone asks, “Aren’t you just loving it?”, you smile and nod because the honest answer feels too complicated to explain.
If parenting is different from what you hoped, you deserve somewhere to say that and there is no shame in it! You don’t have to pretend every part of it feels wonderful.
Why am I not enjoying motherhood or parenthood
There may be parts of parenting you deeply enjoy and parts that you dread. You might love your baby’s expressions and still find the long hours of care lonely, repetitive and difficult.
You may have expected parenting to feel instinctive and east, only to find yourself second-guessing almost every decision and feeling out of your depth. You might be waiting for a feeling of connection that hasn’t arrived in the way you imagined and feeling deep feelings including shame and guilt. Bonding can take time, parenting can look different to what you imagined and difficulty feeling connected is something you can seek support with.
None of this can be understood by looking at your attitude alone – we know how hard you are trying. Sleep, pain, health, relationships, mental health, money and the amount of practical support you have all shape daily life and impact parenting.
Seeing a cheerful photo of another family on instagram or facebook tells you very little about how parents are actually managing, what it took to get that photo and what help did or did not happen behind the scenes.
Disappointment deserves to be heard
Sometimes it is hard to name what has disappointed you because someone has already told you to focus on the positives and dismissing the complex emotions of parenting.
Prior to having a baby, maybe you had hoped and planned to breastfeed, and feeding became painful or distressing. You expected your partner to share responsibility, and you are still the person keeping track of everything. You imagined family visiting to help, and instead find yourself looking after guests. The invisible weight of all this is a lot to carry!
These experiences can carry grief, anger or disappointment. You don’t have to talk yourself out of those feelings before you are allowed to discuss them.
Some experiences need particular care. Distress after birth, pregnancy loss or feeling unsafe in a relationship deserves attention in its own right. Calling everything “adjustment” can miss what you have been through.
What did you need that you did not receive?
This can be a gentler question than “Why can’t I cope?” As often we will internalise and shame presents itself when our needs are unmet for a range of reasons. Perhaps you needed rest while recovering, clear information about feeding or someone to check on you, rather than only the baby but you did not receive these things or in the way that you needed.
To help understand this, try separating the experience you hoped for from the need underneath it. You may not be able to change how the birth differed from how you planned, but you can have space to talk about it with someone who takes your experience seriously. You may not have family nearby, but you can explore other forms of support without pretending that absence doesn’t hurt.
Where possible, turn a general request into something concrete: “Can you organise dinner tonight, including deciding what we are having?” or “I need you to listen for a few minutes without telling me to look on the bright side.”
There may also be expectations you want to loosen. You don’t have to enjoy every stage, attend every activity or use every spare minute productively. Work out which advice fits your family and which advice adds pressure – sometimes staying away from the self help books, community pages and internet can be helpful in the short term to reduce this internal conflict.
Support is available before you reach a crisis
Disappointment alone doesn’t tell us whether someone has a mental health condition but persistent low mood, intense worry, numbness, hopelessness or difficulty managing daily life warrants a conversation with a health professional.
You can also seek counselling because you want a place to be honest, debrief and a neutral non-judgemental approach. You don’t need to prove that your experience is worse than someone else’s.
Counselling for adjusting to parenting
With Grace Therapy provides counselling and psychology in Kedron and Caloundra, with telehealth also available. We welcome different family structures and recognise that becoming a parent happens within a wider life, with its own pressures and history.
Together, we can explore the expectations you carried, what has been difficult and what support could fit your circumstances now.
Contact our team to discuss a suitable clinician, or book online. You can begin with the sentence you have been holding back: “This is much harder than I thought it would be.”
Further reading below:
PANDA – The myths and realities of new parenthood – Click Here To Access Article
COPE – Uncomfortable feelings and expectations – Click Here to Access Article
