I can’t count how many times over the years a client has told me they haven’t quite “clicked” with a therapist.
Sometimes people leave therapy because it doesn’t feel like the right fit. Other times, they stay longer than they want to because they feel guilty, worried about upsetting the therapist, or unsure whether it is okay to say that something is not working.
The truth is, it is okay to need the right fit.
A therapist’s skills, knowledge and interventions are important. Evidence-based therapy matters. But meaningful therapy can only happen when there is trust, safety and collaboration between the client and therapist.
This is especially important in trauma therapy and eating disorder therapy, where clients may be navigating shame, fear, avoidance, body distress, protective coping strategies, or past experiences where their needs were not heard or respected.
Why “clicking” with a therapist matters
In therapy, the relationship between the client and therapist is often called the therapeutic relationship. This relationship is not about simply liking your therapist or having an easy conversation. It is about feeling respected, understood and safe enough to explore what is happening beneath the surface.
There is also a very human element to this. In life, we naturally connect with some people more than others. Therapy is no different.
As therapists, it is our role to bring ourselves into the room in a genuine way, while also adapting to the needs of the person sitting with us. For example, I am naturally more directive in my communication style. Over time, I have learned to adjust this when I am working with someone who needs a gentler, slower or more reflective approach.
Therapy should not feel like a one-size-fits-all process.
Respect in therapy
Respect might sound obvious, but it is one of the most important parts of good therapy.
Respect means honouring a client’s choices, values, beliefs and pace, while also holding necessary limits around safety and care. It means being curious about the person’s life, not just focusing on the immediate mental health concern.
A person is never just their trauma, eating disorder, anxiety, depression, diagnosis or coping behaviour.
Therapy works best when we explore the broader picture: relationships, family systems, culture, identity, stress, work, school, body image, neurodivergence, past experiences and the environments a person is trying to survive within.
Authenticity from the therapist
I believe authenticity matters.
Therapists do not need to pretend to know everything or present as perfect. In fact, I think therapy can feel safer when there is appropriate honesty and humanness in the room.
This does not mean therapy becomes about the therapist. It means the therapist can be real, grounded and intentional. At times, this might include carefully sharing something human to support connection or reduce shame.
For example, I might acknowledge that I also experience self-critical thoughts at times, such as wondering whether I am doing enough as a father or therapist. These moments can help clients remember that having difficult thoughts does not make them broken or beyond help.
Understanding what sits beneath coping behaviours
Understanding is central to my work.
This is particularly important when supporting people with trauma, eating disorders or long-standing patterns that have helped them cope.
As therapists, our role is not simply to tell people to stop doing something or hand over a list of behaviour change strategies. We need to understand what is driving the behaviour.
What need is not being met?
What is the behaviour protecting the person from?
What has this coping strategy helped them survive?
What fear, shame, grief or pain might be sitting underneath?
This does not mean we ignore change. It means we approach change with compassion and context.
When we understand the function of a coping behaviour, therapy can become less about “fixing” the person and more about helping them build safety, insight, choice and new ways of responding.
Safety in trauma and eating disorder therapy
Safety is essential in therapy.
If safety is not properly considered, therapy can feel overwhelming or even triggering. This is particularly true for people who have experienced trauma, body-based distress, eating disorders or environments where they felt powerless.
I am explicit with clients about the importance of safety. I invite clients to let me know about triggers, preferences, topics that feel difficult, and anything that helps them feel more grounded in the room.
I also believe clients should have choice around what they share.
You do not need to tell every detail of your trauma, eating disorder, or painful experiences for therapy to be helpful. Therapy should move at a pace that supports both safety and growth.
There is no firm guidebook for exactly how long therapy should take. Sometimes the work is about learning skills. Sometimes it is about consolidating those skills. Sometimes it is about slowly building trust before deeper work can happen.
All of this should be discussed openly and collaboratively.
Power balance in therapy
As a social worker, power balance is a key part of how I think about therapy.
Therapists do have training, skills and experience, but that does not mean we are the expert on your life.
Power balance shows up in how we communicate, how we sit with people, the language we use, how we dress, how much space we take up, and whether we genuinely see the client as an active participant in the work.
Good therapy should not feel like being judged, lectured or told what to do.
Instead, the therapist’s role is to support reflection, awareness and change in a way that honours the knowledge, strengths and insight that already exist within the client.
Finding the right therapist for you
If you have not clicked with a therapist before, it does not mean therapy cannot work for you.
It may mean the relationship, style, pace or approach was not the right fit.
For people seeking trauma therapy, eating disorder support, or counselling for complex life experiences, feeling safe with your therapist matters. You deserve a therapist who respects your pace, listens carefully, considers the bigger picture, and works with you rather than above you.
Therapy is not just about techniques. It is about relationship, safety, trust and collaboration.
And when those things are present, meaningful change becomes much more possible.
